SimplyASurvivor

You can start over as many times as you want. Keep starting over until it feels like magic, because life is too short to be anything short of magic. You don’t have to be easy, to be easy to deal with. Tolerable humans don’t exist. I’ve lived most of my life feeling like no matter where I go I don’t fit in, but boy am I a chameleon. I feel most myself when Im doing things solo, no one stealing my magic, but admiring it. It could be in my head, but people are either supporters or suckers. They support me and cheer on my abnormally inspired mind, or they suck my magic from me and call me “extra” attention seeking, and I have never in my life called someone attention seeking when they’re a free bird, and get inspired by the magic of a perfectly made iced latte, or watching the sunset and dancing in the kitchen with spatula in their hand. In fact it lights me up seeing people like myself so confidently, unapologetically themselves.

Expressive doesn’t make you challenging or hard to love, you are a magnetic in a world full of refrigerators and they love what they see at first, but when they realize it’s rare they strip it from you, I’m not taking about romantic partners either, this could be anyone.

I’ve see most angles of life, from being dirt poor, hand me downs, to as a young adult going on trips I’d never thought younger me would go on, fancy dinners, fancy weddings, designer clothes and bags, and more.

I can’t say I was more happy internally one or the other. Internal happiness is the ultimate rich. Although I must say, I have a taste for nice things I can’t afford – I like to call myself fake boujee, but ideally young Angelina would be so proud of 29 year old me.

I’ve realized that you should never dim your light to make others feel comfortable. Please don’t ever do that. I do not care who likes me or doesn’t, I will not fight fire with fire, and I will never ever stop being me, no matter how bad people try to take it from me.

If you have ever felt this way, I’m here to tell you. STOP feeling this way, you are YOU, and there is literally only ONE of you. Don’t water yourself down; to help others grow, you’re special, and you’re so so so easy to love. ❤️

Love,

Ang.

To anyone who feels silent right now,

I prayed for everything I have today,

But somehow, the sadness still won’t stay away.

Just goes to show—

We’re human, never fully satisfied,

Some days we thrive, some days we hide.

Some days I’m happy, loud and bold,

Other days, I’m quiet, cold.

Sometimes I take the high road clear,

Other times, I walk alone with fear.

My new strategy?

Look for light, even when my vision’s blurred—

Keep moving forward, even hurt.

I’m stronger than I was before,

Even if I don’t feel supported anymore.

I pour into others, try to stay kind,

But my own cup’s dry most of the time.

I’m full of thoughts, full of fire,

But blame no time as I lose desire.

Today I stop playing the victim’s game—

I step in the fire, I play with the flame.

It’s our choice to feel sorry for ourselves or learn from our mistakes.

Our bodies hold weapons, soft or strong,

It’s how we use them that makes them right or wrong.

I’m full of inspiration but use excuses like time and patience. I’m 28 now, and still feel confused as if I’m running in circles.

I knows what’s best for me and you probably do too.

Not everyone deserves your side of the story

Discretion is key in a world full of wolves

I prayed for everything I have today, and yet I’m still sitting here sad.

Maybe you to can relate?

I prayed for all I have today, before I knew it came with weight.

Maybe you to can relate?

Xoxo, Ang.

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Constant change is what I crave – I chase new beginnings in hopes of finding me again. I find me and I am at a high. I’ve hurt people along the way with no intention, I hear them speak on my name without a mention. This town has been a constant, but the walls ever-changing, as if I’m running circles here – being a perfect mother is my only fear. I go on binges of spontaneity and feel guilty come the sunrise. I run home and play house – smile all day as my soul drowns. A daily reminder that I always have the next destination at the top of mind. Trying to give these kids a life I’ve never lived. from the outside looking in I’m doing the damn thing, but if these walls could talk they would tell you the weight on my shoulders is heavy. Even with sin in my heart, I fall to my knees and pray when I don’t know where to start. So I start over again on the right streak, but when temptation comes my way I hit the next peak. Coming to the terms of myself, I put the pen to the paper and never ask for help. knowing that the cards I was dealt were a bullshit hand, but I must put on my poker face in this game called life. Constant need for gratification of the new, maybe I have not reached self acceptance so my surroundings I must change. A drifter at heart with a soft girl internally to blame. self sabotaging anything good that comes my way from the fear of getting that happy ending, not knowing where I’ll land or if I’ll be enough in the palm of the right hand. the hand that brings a constant. Because constant change is what I crave in the boxes at the door. That little girl who always had a new home, but never found her final destination.

I felt this title is perfect considering we just celebrated the worlds 2nd most celebrated holiday. (Mother’s Day) I also just celebrated my daughter’s 10th birthday. I cannot believe I have been a mom for a decade…. that blows me away. I will be 27 in August and have come along way. I am proud of this journey. I am proud of myself, although I am still learning daily.

She is as she looks – a tired, messy bun of a woman picking out clothes, and smiling in the face of her children as they laugh at each other, she is demanding for the 10th time that they brush their teeth, she is taking pictures of them as they prance around in their new clothes they got from target, or old navy while she is wearing yesterday’s t-shirt with milk stains. She looks perfect this way because she is MOM. ❤

This mom has two sides, the messy bun & stains, and the comeback of all of who she is entirely. and that is the beautiful part. Being a mom is giving all of yourself to tiny humans and managing to scrap the icing from the bottom of the bowl for ourselves but enjoying every drop.

Moms are the ultimate multi taskers, we hear it all, see it all and feel it all no matter where we are at. We created these human beings, and we damn sure are soul tied to them.

From one mama to the other, I SEE YOU. Enjoy the beauty of being a title ABOVE QUEEN.

• xoxo, Angelina.

The fact that I have to change my age in my Bio plus 2 years is bittersweet. I have not publicly written in my blog in well over a year. Reading the “pending comments” I have to accept or decline (stings) a little. Referring to me as a scam is a little out there dont you think? anyways, I am drafting an update on all things Ang if anyones gives a damn.

I found myself staring into space for what seemed like forever… hoping maybe Id blink twice and wake up in my bed, but that did not happen. Instead I remained constant. I remained in shock and I remained blind sided. It was a day I wasn’t really anticipating. For a lot of women this would be GREAT news so I instantly feel bad for speaking negative on it, but for me it was not apart of my plan at the moment. I thought to myself fuck, both my kids are finally in school I am finally headed down a career I enjoy and I FINALLY felt like my life was mine a little bit, again that sounds completely selfish, but that’s what was going on in my head. I am 24 almost 25 , with an 8 year old and a 5 year old, both sufficient enough to practically care for themselves with supervision of course. I had them young, I was 16, and 19. I really thought I was done. My kids really are the best thing that have ever happened to me, I have no idea where I would be in life without them, but damn I was looking forward to some selfishness and finally being able to travel, and go back to school without being helicopter mom to two small humans. PLOT TWIST, I’m pregnant. It took me a solid 2 months to except the fact that I was having another child. In fact I held a lot of resentment – I had no idea what I was feeling anymore because I had just turned cold. I definitely told a few people to get it off my chest, but it was never something I felt the need to shout from the rooftops. Enough with the negativity that’s not why I am here writing this blog, I am ok now. I am no longer in complete shock, and I am actually really excited to meet my babygirl, thats why I am here. I decided that this was not a set back, that this was perfect timing, and I am so blessed to be able to be this little girl’s mom. I don’t know what happened between now and then, but one day it hit me. I was just a teenager with both my Son, and Daughter. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing then, for fuck sake I couldn’t even afford to pick out their new clothes we mainly got hand me downs, and shopped at Walmart – and yet I still made it. I made it big – I did some major things and took myself out of situations others are stuck in. I am a survivor still, having a baby is not something I should be ashamed or bashed for, and regardless of this world and their pre-existing thoughts this baby is pure and I am now a grown ass women. I have more now then I did before, I am more ready than I was before, and I was sitting there doubting my own purpose. motherhood is so badass, and I love it here.

Ang.

Depression is real ~

Its really silent.

Its really invisable

Its really dibilatating

Its really tiring

It really makes people around you believe you’re a quitter because it really makes you the quitting type.

It really tells you lies

It really causes eating disorders.

Its really you and your unwanted thoughts. Day to day living requires real effort.

Depression is real EXCUSES, and real doubt. Its really forcing a smile when you just want to cry.

Depression is treasuring that one normal day you had in fear that it was too good to be real.

Depression is real disappointing.

Its real people pleasing and real self destructing.

Its real sleepless nights and long days.

Its really putting off your responsibilities because anything to overwhelming may put you over the edge.

Depression is REALLY common, but we don’t like to talk about it.

But without having a voice we are never really going to find our peace.

So listen, be present, understand. Depression is not a made up thing its the realest thing I’ve ever gone through, and many others.

So don’t look past anyone you know (or yourself) suffering from this.

We can be the reason someone heals or we can really just be to late.

You are not alone.

Some days are better than others, but everyday as long as we are breathing we are alive. - Ang 

Mental health days –

Hey you, whoever is reading this i’m spilling these words out from the inner beings of my soul, if you feel a certain way about someone or something in your life and you are trying to convince yourself that you’re crazy, I am here to tell you that you are not. Our intuitions never lie to us – although we try to dodge them like bullets because we are not trying to interrupt the calm. You are so far from basic, and by that I mean you are magic. If something or someone in your life is holding you back from your success its for a reason. You are not suppose to be mediocre. You are not suppose to live based on what others want for themselves. – You ARE however suppose to dare to be different, you are suppose to add value in the world and by that I mean do small things that make your world seem meaningful – you just might save a life in the process, or make someones day. You are not ‘crazy’ as they like to say for having bad mental health days YOU my friend just feel things deeply, and that IS a blessing. Don’t let the world win, even on your worst days find your why and push as hard as you can for your why.

This is a tough one to put into a blog post, but the world is indecent enough right now I decided to put my pride to the side. I have always self sabotaged myself into believing that I have something to ‘prove’ to the world, as if I fought tooth and nail to get to a place that I am proud of just to publicize it – Don’t get me wrong I was/am proud of being a chain breaker, but I think I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel as if I had something to prove, and with that pride came pressure. In other words that takes away from the point of it all. The saying ‘What they don’t know they can’t destroy’ is not wrong. Your inner circle will know about your success and cheer you on, and as for the rest – it’s none of their business. Take pride in all things you do, but remain humble. I’ve realized I have compared my life to others in some very unhealthy ways and I have been the thief of my own happiness in a lot of ways. Please do not be the cause for your own unhappiness, and choose wisely who you let in on what ever it is you are dreaming of doing – Make sure they support your ideas and realize that you are a human. So not every day you will be perfect. I found that motivating people instead of ‘bragging’ is the ultimate satisfaction. Push yourself to make others accountable, and join you in your dreams. Invite that person, ask for advise, give advise, give back and receive with a sense of real appreciation. accept the fact that it’s not a competition out here. In case you are reading this and you have made it this far – You are strong, you are talented, you are enough and most importantly you DON’T have to prove that to anyone, so please be easy on yourself. I promise you, its in your head. What others think/say about your life is none of your business.

If you continuously hold a grudge against someone – you are only holding onto a grudge towards yourself, you are not freeing yourself from toxic remains of their wrong doings, but instead holding onto hatred in your heart. Hatred requires a lot of energy. Let it go, for yourself.