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  • Angelina Grello 2:15 am on February 13, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    Cherophobia 

    I’m sorry I was the person that gave you peace and in return the same person who stole your peace. I’m sorry you showed up to me hungry, and I fed you. I fed you everything you wanted to hear so you wouldn’t feel “bad” for me. Your hands comforted me in ways that gave me a sense of discomfort, so I pushed them away anytime they came closer to my skin. I wanted to give myself to you fully, but my mind was stuck so the love I displayed ran thin. The two of us always came back for more. The hard days were made easier the second you walked through the door. I trusted my deepest fears and brought them to life, I created illusions that came true, and lit yet another fire to watch it burn. I lost faith in the idea that good people existed in my own head, when I pushed you away and left you feeling unwanted. Who’s the bad guy now? I tuck away this person – that you don’t see clear. The other side of me fills you with soft whispers of dreams you want to hear. Who am I fooling ? Why am I always running? My foot steps are always questionable- I ask myself “am I walking the right direction?” Is this a blessing or lesson? I get to anxious to find out so I light that shit on fire- waiting for someone to take the burn and prove to me I’m worth it. I’ve always been the one to put out all the fires in my life. Leaving me with physical and mental scars, that make me feel unlovable. As I rip out another piece of paper in hopes of finding myself again- I find myself thinking of you to push these words out of me I don’t like to admit. Self sabotaging the way you’ve made me feel, twisting your words to make them seem less “real” as if the fire I’ve been putting out will be put out for good, by hands that never burned me.

    Finally I can live a life I’m proud of.

     
  • Angelina Grello 3:31 am on February 7, 2020 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: #anxious #perfectionist #heal #break #breathe   

    Anxious for what? 

    Anxious for what? Okay so the title is strange if you are reading this and you know me and the bag of nerves I carry around like a handbag. I get it. If you fall into the category of a people pleaser, or live off of sparks of adrenaline that run through your body and leave you with the flight or flight response, I understand you, I feel you, I am that person with you. I am that person that wants to please everyone I come into contact with. I feel like I am a target and they can see me crippling from the outside (in), when I have become a pro at faking that contagious smile, You see, we become experts at this. We think we are vulnerable but we have the best poker faces at the table. We have been anxious our entire lives as we know it from childhood occurrences that are not discussed because we have blocked them out in the cycle of ”faking it’. Faking it has left us anxious. Anxious for what? Anxious for thinking that the world will end if we fuck up, one fuck up. We are perfectionist because conflict causes triggers, and triggers cause attacks, attacks that cause loss of control. Anxious that you may see the loss of control we are capable of having, we are so use to making it look like we are full of confidence because we are at war within ourselves.
    Anxious has a new meaning when it becomes a part of your schedule every single day. Truth be told- We can not make everyone happy. It is proven to be impossible , we will break our own hearts trying to leave everyone better than we found them, so lets remember that. I talk about taking the good with the bad, and it is the same with humans. We are all good and bad. We all fall short of perfection. There are days where I let my anxious heart rest and then there are days when it runs what seems to be a marathon. You see us anxious people are tired. From what? we are tired of apologizing, we are tired from pleasing, we are tired from healing and most importantly we are tired from trying to be these perfect people that do not exist.

     
    • Kim Petitt 5:06 am on February 7, 2020 Permalink | Reply

      Pretty deep. I can relate to this so much! I can’t pinpoint how long I’ve been anxious but its only been a year ago since I’ve been able to acknowledge it and start talking about it. It’s hard to explain whats it like unless you’ve experienced, you’ve encompass all the words I’ve struggled to say.

      Like

  • Angelina Grello 10:39 pm on January 29, 2020 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: #waves #good-things #new #old #cycle   

    Good things come in waves, The rush of seeing it come is exhilarating to us. However, we eventually wash away from it. Then what? We are left searching for another wave- a new wave, a better wave.

    Love, The woman who loves change.
     
  • Angelina Grello 3:07 am on January 24, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    Drugs will never love you back. 

    An open letter-

    I see you over there scrounging up that little bit of change you have left in your jeans that you’ve been wearing for 3 days. I know you hope to find enough to get well again. It’s been 12 hours since you’ve gotten your last dose and you can’t bare to sit in pity wondering how many more minutes or hours you are going to get sent into your next withdrawal. So what do you do? Well, you do things clean and sober you wouldn’t dare to do. You use to love the feeling of having feelings, but now you only have 2- feeling high or feeling sick. The in between’s no longer exist in your world and the people who love you.. well they become background noise. They deserve the unaltered version of you, but they end up taking what they can get. unknowingly so do you. They’re busy conjuring up ways to help fix this disease and you’re conjuring up ways to get your “next fix”. You believe that they are judging you – that they will never understand your pain, but what you are doing to yourself stands in vein. Murdering your own name zip tied in that little toxic bag full of your purest pleasures. You call it your medicine but it is no cure. You know it’s no good, but you can not quit. You’d rather be dead than sick like this. Blood sweat and tears you’ve been this way for years. This addiction has stolen your looks and your time. This addiction will never stop knocking at your door we just wait patiently for your your departure date. I know drugs fill you with this fake love and this is what we hate. More importantly, we hate that you believe them.

    I hope that in reading this open letter you find clarity in getting better- we love you, but the drugs never will.

    Love the woman who loves an addict. ❤️

     
  • Angelina Grello 6:14 pm on January 21, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    HEART & SPIRIT GOALS 

    Often times we set ”goals” for ourselves. There are personal goals, which seems to be everyone’s favorite, Financial goals which in return goes hand and hand with personal goals, family-friend & relationship goals, and of course heart and spirit goals which unfortunately is the least talked about.
    PRAY MORE:
    This is huge, regardless of how down in the dirt you may feel, or how hard you have hit rock bottom – Prayer will instantly lift your spirit. Besides, what is it going to hurt? Pray however you want. We are all confined to one way of prayer, but there are endless amount of ways to pray. Today I broke down and I felt a sense of rage come across my body, and I turned the anger into love and understanding, and even some cold heart truth within myself, I am not afraid to admit that I am part of the broken, because I am. It all starts with a step. Getting rid of the toxic traits and possessions I have dragged around with me, I encourage you to do the same. Its so freeing parting ways with old parts of you that you no longer desire. PRAY when you feel strong, PRAY when you feel weak PRAY when you are lost and PRAY when you are found. We all are eventually both.
    HELP MORE:
    This is a reflection of growth internally, help with out expectations of something great happening in return for your ”kindness” help anonymously. Help when you need help yourself. Help without telling your neighbors. Help in hopes that they will help their selves, talk about setting #goals.
    Its okay to accept help as well, do not block a giving hand, let hem grow in their heart and spiritual journey.
    Its important to feel the pride, but do it with authentic humbleness.
    I am writing this because I am hoping to reach my audience. Whoever this might be, Coming from someone who is so out of place may seem hypocritical, Its also a good read for me to come back to and reflect.
    When I feel those emotions that are not of god, it gives me something to read that I wrote when I snapped out of it briefly and viewed myself as an outsider.
    Lastly,
    LOVE,
    love is the only thing in this life that truly matters, that we take with us, love lasts a lifetime, love requires understanding and love requires forgiveness, Love links all of the “goals” together. Without love how are you going to pray? How are you going to Give? how are you going to forgive? Love does not make you feel unworthy,Love does not negotiate its effects, love makes sacrifices, and deep love reaches every goal it aspires to. Remember that love IS afraid to lose you, it will not put itself at risk to lose you, and if it does, Let it go.

    Lets learn together.

    #GOALS #pray #help #Love

     
  • Angelina Grello 3:29 pm on January 17, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    We do not ''chase'' people, We ''chase'' feelings. 

    If we were to chase people, well then our lives would be easier. Our lives would be easier because we would go after the person who makes the most sense. We make ourselves dependent on people that make us feel the high that we feel naturally with them, if only we could choose who we like or even better who we love- Life would be made simple. The saying chasing people is so inexact. I truly do not agree with that term, ultimately in ”chasing” people we are chasing that feeling that they give us, turns out we are more selfish then we like to admit. Even in the process of how we cope with denial or rejection. For example, Think about what you love to do.. Is it sports,writing,cooking,painting. Whatever it is that feeds your soul, that gives you that ”feel good” feeling. Well, that is in return what you do- what you chase, you do not sign up for tennis when you are passionate about football, even if tennis fits into your schedule better and its better for your safety. We as humans do not chase a thing or a person, we chase OUR FEELINGS. We are always searching for that spark and without that spark our lives feel dull. We also allow our feelings to control us in which may be toxic, We should consider ourselves lucky when we feel connected to a human who is particularly good for us and meets the credentials on paper. I’ve never understood why people only settle for the on paper resume regarding people. Its a double sided sword but I need my end to bleed with passion. What feelings are you chasing?

     
  • Angelina Grello 6:50 pm on January 12, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    Take the good with the bad.
    HAPPY SUNDAY.

     
  • Angelina Grello 11:09 pm on January 9, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    status update: I am really trying to tame this feisty side in me,and stay constant, but I feel like the universe is testing me today.

     
  • Angelina Grello 8:12 pm on January 7, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    Hindsight is 20/20 

    I was driving to work this morning and I was listening to my daily podcasts when an overwhelming stream of thoughts crossed over me.

    We change so much in just one year, and if we all knew what we knew now last year or the year before how much we would have changed or better yet, done differently. First thing is first without making those prior mistakes we wouldn’t have known any better now, and wisdom is something to hold on to. I want to be free from all negativity, I want to learn more, I never thought id say I want to fall again, but damn without the fall what am I learning? All of the things I have learned have been where I was too small to see that the glass was still half full, and to busy kicking it to see if there was even a drop left. I have learned that you really cant look at someone on the surface and define them, you have no idea what they have been through in order to be there, or better yet what they didn’t do, knowing nothing about the world might actually be more horrifying. Perhaps, some of us are not designed to get slapped in the face by the challenges of life and how difficult it is to put your game face on for these people that think you’re fine, and you got this, just because you always figure it out does not mean from time to time you need guidance.. Where were you a year from now? Where were you 2 years from now? where are you now? Are you building, or are you self destructing. The truth is that only you have the answers to that, You are just trying to talk yourself out of your answers because they’re not what you want. In 2020 make it an effort to put what destroying you completely out, do not set it on fire, drown it in water and let it wash away, fire is mayhem and will destroy the good that is left waiting for you. So much changes in one year so lets not be blinded by the length of time we are given by today’s set backs.

     
  • Angelina Grello 12:22 am on January 3, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    2020 

    I keep pinching myself, this can’t be real. I guess good things are meant for me after all. I keep preparing myself to wake up from this dream that seems so dreamy and not the sappy type of dreamy, but the realization that this year may be the year for me to strike back. I fell off the map ”slightly” as far as not sharing my good news to the public until it becomes reality, because the truth is once you share your good news to the public any bad energy that gets thrown at you co exists and without you knowing sends negative energy into your world. Anyways, I am here and I am here to say I am ok. Now, you may not see much of me as I am staying to myself – hidden is where I feel most at peace, surrounded by humans that actually give a damn about me and have been apart of my success and thriving journey. I am sorry to whoever still drives past my house or turns their neck for my old car, they are no longer mine, and I am no longer a prisoner to my past. Here I stand ready to take on another year, another chapter that I am truly excited to write.

    Love, Ang

     
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