SimplyASurvivor

We think tragedy is just a word until its your own pain. You want others to understand. We believe it won’t happen to us, because our minds can’t expand, we don’t like pain, but we grasp at rubber bands, who are we when karma takes her stand? Life is full of strangers faces until you here their story, but ‘until its you’ compassion quickly transforms into worry. Suddenly all the doubt has hit you in the face and you are left wondering how to go on with your days. Life is full of taking chances we can’t assume someone is okay by taking glances, behind that strangers smile could be 1,000 tragic stories, that we have not yet seen – the strongest people we know typically radiate a gleam, but until you face what they have faced can you really grasp their pain, can you really understand?

At some point the only way we grow is from hurting. We grow from making mistakes. We grow from the worst and muscle through the next days. We slowly but surely become better people over time. We think we are in control of our life, but we are in control of how we handle what life gives us instead. -‘Until its you’ who has been lied to, addicted, assaulted, cheated on, laid off, homeless, or lost a loved one please don’t tell them you understand. Tell them you will fight their battle along side them instead of pretending to relate, we need you on the field (not to play the game but to show face) Next time you fail, hurt, or make a mistake remember this – its ok. Its your turn to add character to yourself with a new lesson learned. In shock you may feel in the moment , because it is you this time. You may feel like your world is over, but now you know how this pain feels. We are all waiting to be happy forever, but does that even exist. Everything is temporary so embrace the best parts and learn from the worst.

xoxo.

You don’t have to explain yourself to the ones who can see you.

you are heard within your actions.

You always wanted was best for you, well all do, but you were sleeping – this entire time you believed whatever you had was what you deserved as if your life couldn’t take new turns. As if turns were selfish, but you didn’t owe anyone anything in all reality the only person you were short handing was yourself. Crazy right? You fear rain so what? You have your own anxiety’s that others can’t relate to and you look crazy so what! Comforting you is so easy but they made you feel like a lunatic they turned you into an insecure human because you constantly looked in the mirror to validate your beauty because they only noticed your flaws. Thirsty for confidence you had to give it to yourself because of loyalty. Here you are in final terms with yourself that’s it’s love yourself or lose yourself and the options are bare but they are there. Spread your wings, Gypsy soul. They’re to average to understand you.

Learn to not be offended by the way others love, not everyone loves exactly like you.
Learn that they are not a shell of a person, rather deprived in the way love was shown to them growing up.
Learn to not love yourself any less because of this interaction.
Learn that no response, is always a response.

Learn that your love language is still valid, and seemingly enough so is theirs.
Learn that its okay to let go of this person if you feel as if you’re begging for them to understand you.
Lastly, learn that one day someone will understand you indefinitely, so that you never have to educate yourself on love again.

As I lay here in my bed pondering up ways to be more productive, more loving, more patient, more of whatever it is I claim to be less of I realize maybe – just maybe I am far to hard on myself. I am a grade A over thinker. Can you relate? Are you constantly replaying situations or encounters in your head – like watching your favorite show and missing a scene so you have to go back, because god forbid you missed some important information. Your life is a series of Important events, but not all events are suppose to play out perfectly or better yet – in your favor. Truth is, we all fuck up and we all are in some way shape or form over thinking it. What ever ”IT is” we are taking it and multiplying it by 1,000. I really don’t know why it is so challenging for us as humans to except our own mistakes or our own short comings when the world that we are trying to look perfect for already forgot. I know first hand that over thinking has put a toll on my own personal life. I find myself feeling like the victim in situations that don’t even exist, and even if they do I turn a rain shower into a hurricane. I am always in flight or fight mode to be a better version of myself. Growth is so much more than getting good at something or completing a task/goal. Real growth is changed behavior, changed mindset. Ive failed to realize over the years that not everyone is out to get me and in the process I have pushed away really great people. To my over thinkers, this will give you chills : I was told in the heat of an argument, ”Don’t push away something good, stop finding reasons to run and fight, I am good for your life, stop worrying.” I felt my mind stop and I felt my heart drop, because it was so incredibly true and something I forgot to tell myself in the midst of overthinking. Good things are meant for me, and they’re meant for you too. You aren’t perfect, nor is anyone in this earthly world, but you are YOU, and no one else compares to you and what you bring to the world – Unapologetically do what makes you happy, because no one gives a shit about what your over mind is thinking, you have and always will be your biggest critic. So stop damn it, You are doing the best you can.

Love, an over thinker.

I had hit in all time low this year. Stuck inside of my head. My thoughts alone were unbearable and unrecognizable, I knew I needed help. Between parenting, quarantine, family issues, and health I felt like I was living in a nightmare that I wanted to wake up from already. Trying so hard to make perfect of my un perfect situation only turned into more anger and confusion. Trying to save my loved ones when I was seeking saving myself. Hopelessly, I was wishing just for once I had somewhere and someone to run to for help. I realized I was a shell of a mother, a shell of a friend, a shell of a woman, I had come to terms with an unhappiness inside of my soul that was to scary to admit. As Id lay down every night numbing myself with empty thoughts or a bottle of wine and a pile of laundry by my bedside, I put this pressure on myself. Its ok to not be ok. My thoughts were weighing me down to the point where I had lost interest in things I am passionate about, my focus disappeared slowly and then completely. I laid myself down and forgot to pick myself back up, and when I went off the deep end and could no longer contain my thoughts and had absolutely no control over my response to inconveniences – I fell to my knees and I cried profusely. As I was crying I started talking to what seemed to be myself until I felt someone listening and giving me strength followed by answers… the answers were silent but I didn’t need to hear them literally for them to be recognized, I found god again… and this time I wasn’t even looking. I continued to weep on my knees until I felt new. The next day there were never ending streams of signs that what happened to me may have saved my life.. In fact I know it did, I am surrounded by so many amazing people- sending me online bible studies, classes, books, advise and a place to go when I need to just escape. I am so lucky to have been given the kind of wisdom I was ignoring for so long.. replacing it with the worldly things that temporarily ease the pain- until they’re enhanced by the come down. I am aware that negativity always lies on the surface and targets people like myself who appear to have it all together. Today I am filled with what seems to be a second chance, when I am telling you one day I was not ok and the next I was made new – I mean it. It is real. I realize that I am not a perfect human being nor will I ever be, My demons took awhile to catch up to me and left me believing that was who I was. So I self destructed until I gave up. There is always more to the story- everyones story, but how exciting is it that we are the authors and we can end a chapter and begin a new one, we can end a story and write a new one. I am here today only because I found a light at the end of a tunnel others do not find. Just when I thought my life was over – I was made new.

Thank you god for helping me write this. I am so happy to be back.

COVID 19-

Locked inside of our homes wherever that may be, and whoever that may be with. Here we are living in a part of history we never thought we would witness, but it lingers in our streets and we can’t escape the reality of it all, schools are closed, no concerts, events, and most of us are unemployed or working from inside where we feel safe, its a mad house out here and we are hiding out in hopes to see the light of day. Going to the stores are now a task, and flooding with anxiety at each face covered by a mask. Here we are trapped inside with our thoughts. Its not a ”free world” in our hearts. Negligence and abuse from our spouse or romance and new beginnings are what surrounds us now. left unspoken. Depression and mental health are at an all time high, but we just write them off with no regard. Its an epidemic right? so to speak, but how we handle this is what remains on the mark of history, so what will it be? Are you praying to god or praying for that check? are you worried or at peace with your debt? We are all in this together is what I keep hearing, one team, but if you ask me people are still focused on the past- still against each other. We are all locked inside and we took the simple things for granted, we all can’t wait to hug our parents, we are all aimlessly waiting for answers all while coming up with answers of our own, I pray for pregnant women, the elderly and people without a home, at the end of the day we have no control, but what a perfect time to reflect on your goals, your life, a reset button we all get to push and what you do with your time is yours. So I pray we do become one, I pray that we learn from this mess – that life can come to a stop regardless of your plans, just like that. Day by day we plan for our future without any clue what the future holds for us, so do things because you want to and do them for love, because tomorrow is not promised.

As we are all in this nightmare of a year together we become aware. We become aware that this is foreign to us, we become aware that we are faced with a new “normal” every day. We are all a little confused, lost, and most importantly scared of the unknown. Together we are pinching ourselves in hopes that maybe this is just a silly dream. None of us are able to surf the web without fear in our hearts of what we may come across. Covid-19, you have single handedly woke every single American up from our “normal reality” We are quarantining ourselves in order to survive, and save lives. Some say it’s a hoax, others are having secret parties, some of us are still working in desperation to makes ends meet, some of us are actually praying that maybe god is making his return and preparing ourselves to go home. All I know is this place here on earth has become chaotic, selfish, and a lot of us are getting hopeless. For some of us this isn’t much of a change – our lives are already crazy and this may actually give you peace/break. We are living in an epidemic we would have never seen coming, our response is so very important. Who are we now? Who are we know that we are scared for our lives and the lives of our loved ones. We have become scarce for food and necessities, we are told we can’t see our friends and families for weeks/ months at a time. You guys, this is real. Life changing. I pray that when this all blows over we continue to act as a community and remember what it looks and feels like to be stuck in a nightmare for this amount of time, I pray that we never take for granted the luxury’s we have here on this earth and most importantly, I hope we become humbled from this experience. This pandemic can transpire into a beautiful thing, until then we are apart of history and call it “madness”

Stay safe

You already know the answers – but are you willing to become one with the truth of it.

The truth will hurt you, but if you don’t allow it to control you- you have the power.

You already know someone’s intentions before you have the results of final proof. So, why do you act surprised as if you were delusional? When you were in fact spot on. We all have- I promise. The truth will set you free they say. God, that seems so cliche’ because we truly don’t want to let you go. Whatever you are. A habit, a toxic friend, a job, relationship. We know what is in our best interest, but we want so bad for our worst interest to change over night. So what do we do? We tweak it, we flip flop it, we draw lines in the sand and forget that the water will again wash those lines away. We paint pictures in our heads that the right thing to do is stick it out. Your boss needs you- so you think, but you will be replaced tomorrow. Full knowing you are aware but you false play it as if you are actually appreciated. That toxic friend you have- yeah you can feel that they are agreeing with everything you say and not truly in agreement, but you want so bad for them to love you as much as you love them. You are not making this up in your head, you need to gain back your power in that relationship that you break your back over trying to be the picture “perfect” spouse you here them talk about while they blindly stare you in the eyes forgetting what’s right in front of their face. Throughout your day you prepare every thought followed by how is this going to benefit them? You start thinking about their future in front of yours and you do things you know they’d never do for you. Stop. Stop painting that pretty little picture in your head, that picture may or may not exist so why break your own heart? Your perfect job is out there, you will meet your platonic soulmate , and the love of your life WILL come around, but it won’t be because you painted a picture in your head of what happiness and true character looks like, it won’t be because you were comparing your own happiness to others on the internet, it won’t be because you tried to make believe that they had your best interest at heart. You don’t have to lie to yourself anymore, because your truth will set you free. It will be because you didn’t have expectations, but you were optimistic and ready in your journey. You stoped picking that sand bucket up and threw down your towel to be one with the ocean. My friend, you already knew the answers, because the answers have been here this entire time. The truth always hurt you because you put filters on all of the truth around to give them a more flattering appearance. You are ENOUGH, sometimes people , places and things don’t want you to know that, because they are scared you will believe them, and that truth will hurt them.