Two faced

She’s always smiling, how are you always so happy? You’re the funniest girl I know…

Wow these comments are probably true, externally, but they do not see that girl drop to her knees at the end of the day wondering whats next, whats her next move to make her life better. Watch out for the girl with a smile that can set a room into bliss, a smile that is contagious enough to make a cold heart grin, thats the point, she wins. The goal is to drown the feelings into a smile that never goes away. She takes it out on herself at the end of the day, and the one she feels most comfortable with well, they see her at her worst. Watch out for the helping hand, they probably need help more than you, if you ask them to walk on broken glass they would if it meant a peaceful room full of people.

She hides so well. She hides behind every door that slams in her face. You will never know what she’s thinking because she hides it with a voice —Her voice that tells you everything is perfect. She will capture a picture and post it, and look in the mirror that same night with black mascara running down her face. She believes she’s losing, but there is no race. Only fires burn where there is heat. Her heart is far from cold.

She is a ticking bomb that girl who smiles, so watch out when you talk down to her, She will find the best details about every single thing that crosses her path, but it can be taken back with a simple red flag. Danger exists around her, but she’s not afraid. Compulsive decisions she makes on a whim, comparing her past to the future with them… Smiling has become her best weapon so little do you know…. she’s been using it for protection. You assumed her life was easy didn’t you? Boy were you wrong. Assuming she was full of herself she was full of everyone else, creating an image for the naked eye that she was perfect, she was not.

Watch out for the girl that always smiles.

Cherophobia

I’m sorry I was the person that gave you peace and in return the same person who stole your peace. I’m sorry you showed up to me hungry, and I fed you. I fed you everything you wanted to hear so you wouldn’t feel “bad” for me. Your hands comforted me in ways that gave me a sense of discomfort, so I pushed them away anytime they came closer to my skin. I wanted to give myself to you fully, but my mind was stuck so the love I displayed ran thin. The two of us always came back for more. The hard days were made easier the second you walked through the door. I trusted my deepest fears and brought them to life, I created illusions that came true, and lit yet another fire to watch it burn. I lost faith in the idea that good people existed in my own head, when I pushed you away and left you feeling unwanted. Who’s the bad guy now? I tuck away this person – that you don’t see clear. The other side of me fills you with soft whispers of dreams you want to hear. Who am I fooling ? Why am I always running? My foot steps are always questionable- I ask myself “am I walking the right direction?” Is this a blessing or lesson? I get to anxious to find out so I light that shit on fire- waiting for someone to take the burn and prove to me I’m worth it. I’ve always been the one to put out all the fires in my life. Leaving me with physical and mental scars, that make me feel unlovable. As I rip out another piece of paper in hopes of finding myself again- I find myself thinking of you to push these words out of me I don’t like to admit. Self sabotaging the way you’ve made me feel, twisting your words to make them seem less “real” as if the fire I’ve been putting out will be put out for good, by hands that never burned me.

Finally I can live a life I’m proud of.

Anxious for what?

Anxious for what? Okay so the title is strange if you are reading this and you know me and the bag of nerves I carry around like a handbag. I get it. If you fall into the category of a people pleaser, or live off of sparks of adrenaline that run through your body and leave you with the flight or flight response, I understand you, I feel you, I am that person with you. I am that person that wants to please everyone I come into contact with. I feel like I am a target and they can see me crippling from the outside (in), when I have become a pro at faking that contagious smile, You see, we become experts at this. We think we are vulnerable but we have the best poker faces at the table. We have been anxious our entire lives as we know it from childhood occurrences that are not discussed because we have blocked them out in the cycle of ”faking it’. Faking it has left us anxious. Anxious for what? Anxious for thinking that the world will end if we fuck up, one fuck up. We are perfectionist because conflict causes triggers, and triggers cause attacks, attacks that cause loss of control. Anxious that you may see the loss of control we are capable of having, we are so use to making it look like we are full of confidence because we are at war within ourselves.
Anxious has a new meaning when it becomes a part of your schedule every single day. Truth be told- We can not make everyone happy. It is proven to be impossible , we will break our own hearts trying to leave everyone better than we found them, so lets remember that. I talk about taking the good with the bad, and it is the same with humans. We are all good and bad. We all fall short of perfection. There are days where I let my anxious heart rest and then there are days when it runs what seems to be a marathon. You see us anxious people are tired. From what? we are tired of apologizing, we are tired from pleasing, we are tired from healing and most importantly we are tired from trying to be these perfect people that do not exist.

Drugs will never love you back.

An open letter-

I see you over there scrounging up that little bit of change you have left in your jeans that you’ve been wearing for 3 days. I know you hope to find enough to get well again. It’s been 12 hours since you’ve gotten your last dose and you can’t bare to sit in pity wondering how many more minutes or hours you are going to get sent into your next withdrawal. So what do you do? Well, you do things clean and sober you wouldn’t dare to do. You use to love the feeling of having feelings, but now you only have 2- feeling high or feeling sick. The in between’s no longer exist in your world and the people who love you.. well they become background noise. They deserve the unaltered version of you, but they end up taking what they can get. unknowingly so do you. They’re busy conjuring up ways to help fix this disease and you’re conjuring up ways to get your “next fix”. You believe that they are judging you – that they will never understand your pain, but what you are doing to yourself stands in vein. Murdering your own name zip tied in that little toxic bag full of your purest pleasures. You call it your medicine but it is no cure. You know it’s no good, but you can not quit. You’d rather be dead than sick like this. Blood sweat and tears you’ve been this way for years. This addiction has stolen your looks and your time. This addiction will never stop knocking at your door we just wait patiently for your your departure date. I know drugs fill you with this fake love and this is what we hate. More importantly, we hate that you believe them.

I hope that in reading this open letter you find clarity in getting better- we love you, but the drugs never will.

Love the woman who loves an addict. ❤️

HEART & SPIRIT GOALS

Often times we set ”goals” for ourselves. There are personal goals, which seems to be everyone’s favorite, Financial goals which in return goes hand and hand with personal goals, family-friend & relationship goals, and of course heart and spirit goals which unfortunately is the least talked about.
PRAY MORE:
This is huge, regardless of how down in the dirt you may feel, or how hard you have hit rock bottom – Prayer will instantly lift your spirit. Besides, what is it going to hurt? Pray however you want. We are all confined to one way of prayer, but there are endless amount of ways to pray. Today I broke down and I felt a sense of rage come across my body, and I turned the anger into love and understanding, and even some cold heart truth within myself, I am not afraid to admit that I am part of the broken, because I am. It all starts with a step. Getting rid of the toxic traits and possessions I have dragged around with me, I encourage you to do the same. Its so freeing parting ways with old parts of you that you no longer desire. PRAY when you feel strong, PRAY when you feel weak PRAY when you are lost and PRAY when you are found. We all are eventually both.
HELP MORE:
This is a reflection of growth internally, help with out expectations of something great happening in return for your ”kindness” help anonymously. Help when you need help yourself. Help without telling your neighbors. Help in hopes that they will help their selves, talk about setting #goals.
Its okay to accept help as well, do not block a giving hand, let hem grow in their heart and spiritual journey.
Its important to feel the pride, but do it with authentic humbleness.
I am writing this because I am hoping to reach my audience. Whoever this might be, Coming from someone who is so out of place may seem hypocritical, Its also a good read for me to come back to and reflect.
When I feel those emotions that are not of god, it gives me something to read that I wrote when I snapped out of it briefly and viewed myself as an outsider.
Lastly,
LOVE,
love is the only thing in this life that truly matters, that we take with us, love lasts a lifetime, love requires understanding and love requires forgiveness, Love links all of the “goals” together. Without love how are you going to pray? How are you going to Give? how are you going to forgive? Love does not make you feel unworthy,Love does not negotiate its effects, love makes sacrifices, and deep love reaches every goal it aspires to. Remember that love IS afraid to lose you, it will not put itself at risk to lose you, and if it does, Let it go.

Lets learn together.

#GOALS #pray #help #Love

We do not ”chase” people, We ”chase” feelings.

If we were to chase people, well then our lives would be easier. Our lives would be easier because we would go after the person who makes the most sense. We make ourselves dependent on people that make us feel the high that we feel naturally with them, if only we could choose who we like or even better who we love- Life would be made simple. The saying chasing people is so inexact. I truly do not agree with that term, ultimately in ”chasing” people we are chasing that feeling that they give us, turns out we are more selfish then we like to admit. Even in the process of how we cope with denial or rejection. For example, Think about what you love to do.. Is it sports,writing,cooking,painting. Whatever it is that feeds your soul, that gives you that ”feel good” feeling. Well, that is in return what you do- what you chase, you do not sign up for tennis when you are passionate about football, even if tennis fits into your schedule better and its better for your safety. We as humans do not chase a thing or a person, we chase OUR FEELINGS. We are always searching for that spark and without that spark our lives feel dull. We also allow our feelings to control us in which may be toxic, We should consider ourselves lucky when we feel connected to a human who is particularly good for us and meets the credentials on paper. I’ve never understood why people only settle for the on paper resume regarding people. Its a double sided sword but I need my end to bleed with passion. What feelings are you chasing?

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started