I woke up this morning cussing at the alarm as it kept going off as if snooze was set for 10 seconds. I had to make it to the 9 am service so I could give myself the rest of the day. Anyways, as I am sitting in church I am doing my typical check my surroundings tick, when all of sudden I realize I am always sitting in the back row. I know its an obvious observation, but complex as that thought is, it crossed my mind. I am trying to multi-task while I listen to my pastors message and ask myself the truth about why I always chose the back row. Us humans are wired a certain way, truly. I believe this. We do things subconsciously without ever realizing our true intentions. Maybe we know but we are in denial or we don’t feel like dealing with it so instead we make excuses. I feel a sense of sadness inside of me, confessing the truth about why no matter where I am I somehow find myself in the back row. The answer is quite simple, I have never felt worthy enough to take up a front row or heck, even a second row seat. Don’t get me wrong I am a confident woman in some areas in my life, but why is it when it comes to crowds and meetings and shows, church, etc I run to the far back where I am not noticed nor seen. I am unsure why I am compelled to share my short story on my experience at church this morning, I felt like the thought had purpose, the same purpose why I always chose to sit in the back. I am not less than these people, these people are not less than me. Yet somehow we enforce these feelings and they are left hidden in the back. I want to hear the message but I don’t want them to see how the message affects me. I want to understand the message but I don’t want them to see me thinking about the message and what I can do to make a difference. This sounds pathetic, and I feel guilty even saying this but, we (us) make each other this way. I don’t want to sit in the back anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am not worthy, because I am. We all are.
Love, The girl who sat in the back row~
SimplyASurvivor 