SimplyASurvivor

I don’t know where to start on this very touchy subject but I feel moved to share my heart in this tonight.

I know you loved them if you’re taking the time to read this, and you are desperately seeking signs or mentorship in order to get over the fact that maybe you are not alone in this or that someone else has been where you are, and you’re right. You’re very much not alone. We all have wanted to save someone in our life. If we haven’t we someday will. It’s a fact. Being broken by someone who didn’t want to be saved is a touchy subject and can mean a lot of different things and be taken a lot of ways. Again and again I have wondered and conjured up ways on how to save the one/ones I love. There is no google answer or answer sheet to this one it’s simple, they only save themselves when they want to be. I know it’s a bit obvious and cut and dry but it’s one of the realest statements. You can’t force someone to help themselves if they don’t want it. Again that can be a variety of different things. I’m sorry that you’re sorry and distraught and chose to accept that you can’t dwell over something you didn’t ask for. We’re survivors when we learn that we don’t have control sometimes because in trying to grip the steering wheel to tight we lose control. You can’t save a soul who you have 0 power over, you’re not god. Let’s be there light; grow, gain and become something they want to be again. Give them your words, and pray for them, It’s not your fault what happens to them. So please, stop blaming yourself for not being a Superhuman. You were there voice when they didn’t have what it took to speak and you were there eyes when they couldn’t see clearly, but you were never the reason they didn’t want to be saved. Take that back and rest with a clear mind and soul.

I wish I could have saved them to, all of them.

Xoxo

I am sitting on a plane, off to CA.

Alone.. I am traveling alone.. something I thought I’d never say. Here I am surrounded by strangers on this 6 hour flight. I get it, sounds like no big deal, but if you knew me and my level of anxiety and panic-it’s huge. I’m so inspired by life and all the hardships and even glory and greatness of it all. Life is nothing short of amazing. I am grateful to be able to experience this kind of hope. Our life truly starts outside of our comfort zones. Who knew the things you fear are the things that are the most exhilarating.. it’s true. Simply a survivor, yes. More importantly a survivor in the thriving process. Today I beat a lot of things, I felt my body go into a normal state of panic when I sat down and looked out of my window seat, I can’t lie and say I didn’t think about jumping up and fleeting the thought of being away from everything I know in MD for 5 days. Instead I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath, I thought about the feeling of letting go and leaving fear behind me long enough to reach 10,000 feet in the air. Well, at that point there is no turning back around. I get joy out of sharing my story’s on here. I really hope they help anyone who reads them. I love finding myself in all the mayhem, there are two very important days in your human existence- the day you are born and the day you discover why.

The worst pick-up line I have ever heard is not the corny ones that everyone already knows, So in return turns into a joke. The worst ”pick-up line” is when a man or woman figures out your strengths and weaknesses and uses them to take control over you, a young and vulnerable me once believed these lies as a little girl… if you do this, this will be the outcome. Damn it sounds great, in fact it sounds like a dream and suddenly you are on cloud 9, Until cloud 9 decides that its going to down pour – drowned you while you’re left wondering what happen to the sun. I am not saying every one has ill intentions, but be aware. Some of the things that sound ”too good to be true” are. It took me a very long time to know the difference. I could be at a slot machine with all the lights blinking red saying I hit the jackpot yet still standing there not getting my hopes up because that seems ”too good to be true” prime example on how life as well as people can disappoint you to that degree. Secondly, never point out your strengths to me acting as if they are going to save my weaknesses, they’re not. Just like my strengths will never save yours. Only we have the power and control to better ourselves, as the opposing partner it is not your job to pry, but to partake. Partake in encouraging the potential in this person that you so obviously crave for yourself, otherwise you would never involve yourself this deeply in the first place. This goes for women as well as men. Guilty is guilty. We were not built to endure any kind of abuse from those who claim to “love” us. Somehow we confuse love with other things. Thank god I have come to know the difference. I wish I never had to deal with so many forms of this. I am still optimistic that one day I will see a pure soul I can fully trust, and in return give them my trust. These walls were not always here they were built. They were structured overtime by the people I am warning you about. So no I am not stone cold, or ”picky” I am healing and growing and wiser than ever. I am sorry if you have not heard from me, maybe I have decided you were ”too good to be true” or maybe I just knew you weren’t. Love, The Thriver/still always a survivor.

I woke up this morning cussing at the alarm as it kept going off as if snooze was set for 10 seconds. I had to make it to the 9 am service so I could give myself the rest of the day. Anyways, as I am sitting in church I am doing my typical check my surroundings tick, when all of sudden I realize I am always sitting in the back row. I know its an obvious observation, but complex as that thought is, it crossed my mind. I am trying to multi-task while I listen to my pastors message and ask myself the truth about why I always chose the back row. Us humans are wired a certain way, truly. I believe this. We do things subconsciously without ever realizing our true intentions. Maybe we know but we are in denial or we don’t feel like dealing with it so instead we make excuses. I feel a sense of sadness inside of me, confessing the truth about why no matter where I am I somehow find myself in the back row. The answer is quite simple, I have never felt worthy enough to take up a front row or heck, even a second row seat. Don’t get me wrong I am a confident woman in some areas in my life, but why is it when it comes to crowds and meetings and shows, church, etc I run to the far back where I am not noticed nor seen. I am unsure why I am compelled to share my short story on my experience at church this morning, I felt like the thought had purpose, the same purpose why I always chose to sit in the back. I am not less than these people, these people are not less than me. Yet somehow we enforce these feelings and they are left hidden in the back. I want to hear the message but I don’t want them to see how the message affects me. I want to understand the message but I don’t want them to see me thinking about the message and what I can do to make a difference. This sounds pathetic, and I feel guilty even saying this but, we (us) make each other this way. I don’t want to sit in the back anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am not worthy, because I am. We all are.

Love, The girl who sat in the back row~

Dear Reader,

I am not sure what brought you here, but thank you.

Thank you for being another view. I do not care if your intentions are good or bad. Something intrigued you to read my blog and this is my happy place. We all have a happy place right? Now as you scroll down you will see I started off rusty, I had no real technique in writing, maybe I am still working on it. Regardless of the matter I like to reach people. I truly believe I have this be smart play dumb role in life. Sounds stupid? Not hardly. I do not like giving out all of my secrets but there is one. Listen and take it in, figure it out but do not let it be known. You are winning when your mouth is shut and your ears are open. I am not a fan of having ”enemies” but I collect them like bee’s collect honey. I was always told its not good to be liked by everyone. So thank you to the reader who is reading this right now with envy in there eyes, you are my motivation. One day I hope to reach everyone in a positive way, this world is full of good. Unfortunately, Its also full of bad, let us be aware of the difference. Furthermore, lets make a difference-lets be the difference. Be kind to those who are unkind; but be even better to those who are kind to you. I felt the need to blog.. Its been awhile, as some of you know I am writing a book. Simply a Survivor- this book is taking up a lot of my time mentally, but there are no excuse to forget about my blog. I hope today you find something that sets your soul on fire, I hope you face it to you make it, and most importantly I hope you find it in your heart to let go of hate and replace it with understanding, we all have a story, right? You are here right now and I love you. You got this, I promise.

Love, The hot mess writer who does not have her shit together,

Ang.

Turning anger into love and patience is something I have struggled with in the past, but lately I have been trying to substitute what I feel inside melted into a steady voice. We scream to release. Additionally we get “even” to bring peace only within ourselves.

Have you ever felt your body fueled with heat from frustration? We automatically believe our initial response is the one that brings us the most satisfaction, we are dead wrong. Corresponding words we only want to use temporarily leaving permanent marks on the ones we love the most.

It’s OK to feel angry it’s OK to get mad it’s OK to have boundaries and defend yourself in public.

I’ve always wanted the world to be a better place, turning anger into love and patience seems like a good place to start.

I tried this today with my children, precisely with the help of God. I was able to get through to them using comforting words and honesty as a safety net. They were surprised to say the least. Then I realized I may have been doing this whole parenting thing wrong this whole time. To my surprise humans react better to a caring and loving voice, we tend to cause a chain reaction when we speak on anger as if it’s a weapon. Who wants to make an angry person proud anyways we must ask?

#parenting #raw-emotion #Anger #love #love-people #strength

Your presence is so powerful, you know.

Faces stare as you go. In fact you lay down what they can’t pick up, so instead they throw rocks at your face hoping to break the beauty as you scream fuck this place.

Uninvited to the parties you always were, so you assumed you weren’t up to par. Unknowingly the truth stood very far. Jealousy doesn’t wear a face just a voice that drags you down, the same voice that you fear in your head the ones who want to steal your crown.

Weeding out the bad in great portions, a life expected for you painted in distortions, picked last for the wrong reasons, happy, numb and confused during different seasons. Another Shirt left wine stained from drowning at the bottom of a glass

You have forgotten your face is so beautiful you don’t have to wear a mask, or force these people to like you. Continue on the path you have chosen and not in vain, real people have small crowds it’s a sign of intimidation as uninvited you remain.

#writer #standtall #deepthoughts #passion #hopeful #powerful #jealousy #crown #beautiful

Don’t cry for me they say when we leave this place but my tears are the only way to express the way I feel, memories are the only thing I have left to hang onto and my loved ones shaking shoulder. Death isn’t biased it’s not for the younger or the order. It simply happens. none of us will make it out alive. We strive to make a mark on this earth but vanity and materials is our ever loving curse. As I take in the scenery of this long drive made to be surrounded by family who loved you so much I realize this gathering should have taken place before this tragedy, turns out as humans we have no experience on the futures Strategy. Here I sit in this crowded room full of people who love you and are saying goodbye one last time. Strangers hands never felt so sincere, strong faces made so clear. Childhood flashbacks of a laugh I will remember for the rest of my life a stabbing pain in my heart as clinch my sweaty hands together trying to wake up from this nightmare. It’s so hard to find closure watching you lay there so still till I realize you are more at peace then anyone in this room a smile on your face that I can’t help but notice your dimples so bold this body no longer belongs to you, because now you have wings that will carry you through, you are forever young now and never old. Don’t cry for me they say, although it’s to late. Tears flood the floors in mourning for you we must, trusting you are in a better place we trust. Forever young is the way this life was intended for you as I shed this last tear I hand it to you. My bloodline gets the first taste of heaven and how beautiful that must be, till I see you again I will allow myself to be free because that’s what you are. Xoxo -Ang ❤️

Hey Anxiety,

So we meet again. It’s been a solid week with no unwanted thoughts I thought I had conquered you, but here we are again. You’re back and here I am using breathing techniques to get rid of you. I want to talk to someone about these weird sensations I’m feeling in my body as it whispers every unwanted thought in my ear but you guys may think I’m crazy. Why is coping with anxiety so complex shouldn’t it come easy when you have been dealing with it for years. Answer is no. You become use to the feeling and the on set and what triggers you, but it doesn’t come natural ever to cope. It becomes a constant fight knowing if you’re actually dying or your mind is drowning you with lies. Everything is going to be ok they say but are they being crippled by the public eye as they try to keep a steady face. I didn’t ask for this it comes on without warning at times and I feel like I am in a state of panic, praying helps. Your mind is a manipulator don’t ever forget that, what you think about you bring to yourself, so cope with positive thoughts. You are in control of yourself as hard as that is to believe, if you have anxiety you’re not alone as you read this I am here fighting this constant battle. It’s not small it’s big. Mental health is just as important as physical Heath. You are powerful. You are brave. And you probably feel more then you should, again why you live with this circumstance. Face your fears that anxiety holds you back from I promise you are not dying you are lovable you are brave you are strong and most importantly you are simply alive.

Love the woman with crippling anxiety. –

Share your story here.

No thank you she said as she laid her head on her pillow full of tears. Undeserving of my letters you people never read. Candid they called those pictures of me at my happiest no edit needed, till the rumors and the noise left her defeated, just a ticking bomb reading to explode she held it together because she simply cared to much, tucked it away for the next day to come back and remind herself of who she knew she was.

Worthless was all that was left the next morning as she vaguely restarts the day like a dream state in her awaking days she becomes the pray.

Hopeless she smiles at these faces on the street they see her everyday but never knew her. She loved to make them laugh. Someone was there to witness her effortless hand in giving. Typical Monday morning to the crowd, her presence seemed so kind as well as her eyes, after all she was good at hiding in disguise as a woman who survived.

Untrusting of another day she held onto. Wishing things would just come together for the sake of sanity. She looked good to these people for the sake of vanity. Until one day she cried and her tears turned into anger how dare you point the finger as I lie frozen here wishing one of you would have noticed this undesired fear. You see the strong ones are mistaken for having it all together. How unfair, stuck in an empty shell with writings left unread. She had it all together I swear these people said. Tragedy has to happen for them to see. What kind of world have we turned into. Seemingly enough we get pleasure out of cutting each other and watching others bleed. Truthfully this is not the way it was intended to be. We break others and when they turn we wonder. Give us shelter and then shatter our windows for your own selfish intentions. Only she knew deep down who she was regardless of this town and for the first time she gave her self back that right to know her value, in stealing back her pride she was left knowing she was worth something to be so targeted, and that was when her entire world shifted.

Today was a new day for that woman. Tears turned into peace as she no longer had to pretend. She realized who stuck around and who had been there to watch her bend. Unexpectedly a form of herself she had to show in order to turn the hurt into growth. Strangers hands never felt more kind, as they were her support after all this time. New faces now She see’s. Acquiring a support system that seems to good to be true, a new life starts with a truer you.

Peacefully knowing She will never be perfect but who wants to be afraid of being your authentic self. Comfort zones are to occurring these days, She refuses to be held hostage in those dissimulting days, for here She is herself standing tall with a trusting support team, off guard she was no longer, only candid.

Xoxo- Ang❤️